All children experience moments of frustration, defiance, or emotional outbursts. However, when these behaviours persist, intensify, or interfere with daily life, they may be considered behaviours that challenge. Such behaviours can impact a child’s learning, relationships, and well-being, often signalling an underlying unmet need. When a young person is struggling in this way, it can be incredibly difficult for both the child and their support network, including parents, siblings, teachers, and even club leaders, to know how best to help.
To explore this further, we interviewed Dr Rebecca Allgood-May, Clinical Psychologist at CAYP Psychology, with over a decade of NHS experience. Dr Allgood-May specialises in psychological therapy, autism and ADHD assessments, and supporting children with behaviours of distress, particularly in specialist schools. Here, she shares her expert insights into what drives behaviour that challenges and how families, schools, and carers can respond with understanding and effective strategies.
What Exactly is Behaviour That Challenges?
Behaviour that challenges refers to persistent and disruptive actions that significantly impact a child’s daily life. Dr Allgood-May explains, “While all children display emotional outbursts or frustration at times, behaviour that challenges is different. It is extreme, prolonged, and resistant to typical interventions.” These behaviours may include persistent aggression, self-harm, extreme withdrawal, or difficulty with emotional regulation that goes beyond what is expected for a child’s developmental stage.
Behaviour is Communication
A common phrase used in child development is ‘Behaviour is Communication’. Dr Allgood-May emphasises that behaviours that challenge often stem from an unmet need. These needs could be:
- Physical (hunger, tiredness, sensory overload)
- Emotional (anxiety, trauma, attachment disruptions)
- Environmental (lack of routine, feeling unsafe)
“What we often see is adults responding to the behaviour itself rather than the underlying need,” she explains. “This is understandable, as identifying the root cause can be challenging. However, simply addressing the behaviour may only provide temporary relief, without resolving the core issue.”
Dr Allgood-May highlights the impact of trauma on a child’s behaviour. “Children who have experienced trauma may have an overactive stress response,” she explains. “They may be more prone to fight, flight, freeze, or fawn reactions, making emotional regulation difficult.” Recognising and addressing these underlying causes is key to supporting children effectively.
Check out this parent guide for more information about behaviours that challenge, how to manage such behaviours, tips, resources and much more à https://www.cambscommunityservices.nhs.uk/docs/default-source/CAMBS-CYP-COMM-PAEDS—Common-Conditions/booklet-managing-behaviour-that-challenges-leaflet.pdf?sfvrsn=0
How Does Neurodiversity Influence Behaviour That Challenges?
For neurodiverse children, such as those who are autistic or have ADHD, their experience and response to the environment can be different. “An autistic child, for example, might find eye contact painful and avoid it,” Dr Allgood-May notes. “Without understanding, this might be misinterpreted as defiance, especially in a classroom setting.”
Rather than viewing these behaviours as intentional misbehaviour, it is crucial to understand each child’s unique way of processing information and responding accordingly. Responses should be individualised, focusing on reducing distress, providing accommodations, and fostering an inclusive environment.
Autism resources: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour
ADHD resources: https://www.oxfordhealth.nhs.uk/wp-content/uploads/sites/13/2020/10/All-Things-ADHD-series-Behaviour-that-challenges-handouts.pdf
Practical Strategies for Supporting Children
When faced with behaviour that challenges, the first goal is to help the child regulate rather than react punitively. Dr Allgood-May recommends following Bruce Perry’s Neurosequential Model:
Regulate: When a child is emotionally dysregulated, they cannot access their “thinking brain.” Supporting emotional regulation first is key. Strategies include deep breathing, movement breaks, and sensory activities. It’s important for children to release these emotions but we need to guide them to express it in safe ways. “Children only begin to learn to self-regulate from around age seven, so they need adult support to co-regulate,” she explains. “A calm, trusted adult is essential.”
Relate: Once the child is calmer, connect with them emotionally. Use emotion coaching to validate their feelings, e.g. ‘It sounds like you’re feeling really angry, it’s ok to feel angry. Let’s find a safe way to let the angry feelings out.’ This builds trust and helps the child feel understood.
Reason: Only after the child is regulated should you explore what happened and problem-solve together. “Attempting to discuss behaviour before this stage will escalate emotions further,” says Dr Allgood-May. Using visual supports, social stories, or clear step-by-step instructions can help children process expectations. Alternative approaches to sit-down discussions, such as drawing a comic strip about the situation, can help them make sense of what happened and find better ways to respond next time.
Watch this video to understand more about the Neurosequential Model: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lw0yUOdzSpg
Setting Boundaries with Compassion
Compassionate responses do not mean removing boundaries. “Predictable boundaries help a child feel secure,” Dr Allgood-May emphasises. “For example, if a child is upset about turning off a tablet for dinner, we can validate their frustration and allow them to let out their feelings, whilst still holding the boundary.” You can use emotion coaching to validate their feelings whilst holding the boundary. For example, ‘I hear you, you’re feeling really upset, you wanted to stay on the tablet. It’s time for dinner now, but you’ll have more tablet time tomorrow’. Whilst offering them comfort to co-regulate.
In psychology, we talk about ‘good enough parenting’ – we cannot always get things perfectly right in our responses and that is normal, and it is okay. We are aiming to offer our children consistency through predictable boundaries, but sometimes we may need to be a bit more flexible to hold things together for everyone. This especially might be the case in an unfamiliar setting where there might not be a safe space for them to release their emotions.
Check out this resource on Emotional Coaching: https://www.nelincs.gov.uk/assets/uploads/2023/08/Emotion-Coaching-Guide.pdf
How the Environment Shapes Behaviour
A child’s behaviour is heavily influenced by their surroundings. Stressful home environments, academic pressures, or inconsistent boundaries can exacerbate distress, whereas a structured and nurturing environment can reduce challenging behaviours.
Dr Allgood-May highlights the importance of a proactive, preventative approach: “When a flower doesn’t bloom, you fix the environment in which it grows, not the flower.” Schools that adopt trauma-informed approaches, flexible learning strategies, and positive behaviour support can make a significant difference. Similarly, families that provide clear routines, emotional connection, and secure relationships help children feel safe and more regulated.
When dysregulation has involved aggression or destruction, once the young person is regulated enough to access their thinking brain, we need to think with them about ways to make amends. For example, they could help fix a wall display in school. Ensuring they understand the need to take responsibility for their actions, once they are ready, is important in maintaining boundaries.
Being compassionate and understanding also means considering a child’s communication style when holding boundaries and reasoning together.
Supporting Children to Thrive
Understanding that behaviour is a form of communication allows us to shift our perspective from managing behaviours to meeting needs. By focusing on emotional regulation, fostering secure relationships, and adapting environments to support children’s well-being, we can help them navigate challenges and reach their full potential.
Want to hear more? Check out an interview with Dr Allgood-May on the media section of our website which delves into the topic further.
At CAYP Psychology, Dr Allgood-May and our team of clinical psychologists provide expert tailored support to help children and families navigate behaviour that challenges. If you are seeking expert guidance, do not hesitate to reach out to us at enquiries@cayp-psychology.com or 0333 242 0824.
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